Patent Pending – Last Time That I Saw You lyrics

The Last time that I saw you I was drunk as hell
Apologies are probably in order I can tell
From the pictures that you posted
I look liquid, I look toasted
And I probably owe you money as well
I was faced, I was faded
I was sixteen types of wasted
I was trading shirts with dudes I didn't know
I was toes up and I fell down
Crowned the mayor of Tipsy Town
From the second that I started I was done
I'm sorry but the last time that I saw you I was drunk

Normally I'm not the one who gets carried home
And typically you won't find me drunk texting on my phone
I'm not a bro, I'm not out for trouble
But hot damn, I was seeing double
Singing karaoke, it was Journey all night long
DON'T STOP BELIEVING!
I was ripped, obliterated
I don't want to see my credit card statement
'Cause I was throwing back Jack like Slash in '92
'CAUSE WE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY!
I was pissed, I was plowed
I was messed up, blacked out
This hangover is gonna last a month
I'm sorry but the last time that I saw you I was drunk

I got a YOLO tattoo
Drunk dialed everyone I knew
A shopping spree on Amazon
What the hell was going on?
Apparently I drank a bit too much
I'm sorry but the last time that I saw you I was drunk and useless
Woke up, I was handcuffed to a briefcase, I was clueless, how did I do this?
And when I went to call the next day
I remembered that I lost my phone in a midnight Mickey D's melee, how the hell did I get this way?